Heavy Hearted

My girlfriend gets married in two days, and I am happy as could be for her. I can't wait to watch her marry the man she loves. I am not a fan of weddings and as the day nears, I have a feeling watching this marriage will be harder than expected.

Seven years ago I got married and my life changed in ways I never expected. I learned a lot from my marriage, and I think I am still learning from the experience and about the experience everyday. Perhaps this is what has me in a funk. I am confused, confused about love and romance, complicated by the unrealistic fantasy of it all that we are sold by the media. Strip away the glitz and what is it really about? Something we all define for ourselves. What the hell is that?

Questioning the status quo is good, necessary. I am just confused and overwhelmed by the scale of it all. It seems everyone wants love, and honestly I fear it so much that perhaps I have convinced myself that I don't want it and don't need it. I have had several conversations lately about this very subject and it all adds to my confusion and search for answers. We put our everything into our first loves, and I don't think we will ever give that much of ourselves to another person again. Being the all or nothing girl I am, I just wonder if I will ever be able to give myself again at all.

A picture really is worth a thousand words. I can stare into this picture and see so much. The girl is beautiful, but hurting, broken-hearted. This photo makes me want to cry for her. However this day changed everything, good and bad, I just have to believe it is all leading up to something bigger.


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