Thursday, June 11, 2009

Self-preservation mode

It's the calm after the storm, or something. Oddly though, I am not feeling calm, I am feeling E X H A U S T E D. I guess that is not surprising looking back at the last few months in my life. Lots of wonderful, but tiring things. I find myself now feeling taxed, drained - emotionally, physically, spiritually. I feel like my resources have been tapped in so many ways, and I am having a hard time re-grouping and re-charging. It's actually quite annoying, all those great ideas and inspiration I had while in the midst of the chaos of the past month, all those "when I have time I will..." promises. I feel devoid of my creativity, of my tolerance for people and my desire to do all the things I normally enjoy. I guess when you give so much in all those ways, eventually, the reserves are used up. Now I have time, and where did all those ideas, that drive and determination go? Grrr... I'll get there though.

In the meantime I am switching to self-preservation mode, listening to and nurturing myself, spending lots of quiet, alone time. Monday, I took the day off from work and was determined to get to the beach, so much so in fact that I sat through at least a ten minute rain shower and chilly breezes during what was pretty much entirely an overcast day. I looked at it as a cleansing, rejuvenating experience, and the ocean water was like a luscious, salty bathtub. I managed even to get a little bit of sun, where there seemed there was none to be found. Again now, it is raining outside the big windows in my apartment, it smells sweet and fresh and looks like magic. The breeze wafting through brings the delicious smell of rain and wet foliage to my nose.

Last night I was in bed before 9pm, after trying and failing to read, blog, or otherwise exist. So I decided to meditate until I finally turned off my light at midnight or so. This morning I was up before the sun, and my alarm, again, and having tackled several projects during this creative block, I found myself with little to do, so I jumped in my car and drove to Ha'penny beach, where I took my two-mile walk along the ocean, with the sky stretched out before me, enjoying the beauty of the sunrise and reveling in the promise of a brand new day.

My throat has been bothering me, in a way that feels like it is closing up and that I am being strangled. I am drinking lots of tea and water and taking my vitamins. I am sure that I am suffering a bit of a throat chakra (Vishuddha) block, which I know is only temporary. So in the meantime I am paying attention to it, wearing my aquamarine around my neck, spending time with the water and the skies, and wearing and surrounding myself with blue tones. This too shall pass.

And finally, in an attempt to breed some positivity, an exercise in life affirmations and appreciation borrowed from Grey Street Girl

Live: I'm finally living my life for me, and for no one else. Not seeking approval or allowing myself to get caught up in outside influences. This is MY time.

Love: I am attempting to be less judgmental and look upon everything in a less critical way, myself included. Loving myself and others for who and what they are, and accepting imperfection and humanness. It is a lot to unlearn, and I am taking it in stride, one step at a time. Unconditional love is something I am only beginning to understand, but from what I see it is a beautiful thing.

Laugh: I am not taking life too seriously, instead I am having fun with it, enjoying each new brilliant moment and its place in the bigger picture. "The best thing you've ever done for me, if to help me take my life less seriously. It's only life afterall." - Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine
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a diamond in the rough

a diamond in the rough
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