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Growing up or getting old?

Yeah, something like that.

Reason #1: Things I once enjoyed no longer seem fun. I went out this weekend, for the first time in awhile where it wasn't just a quick post-Evita cameo. The Buzz's birthday bash at the Brew Pub was packed as hell, loud and drunk. Not really my scene anymore, give me a glass of wine at Zebo's or a martini at Tutto anyday.

Reason #2: I see a cute guy in the bar and realize he is ten years younger than me. FUCK. Do I still think I am 19? Or do I just have a thing for younger men? Okay don't answer that.

Reason #3: My body is changing, hurrah. Gravity is setting in, muscle tone and skin elasticity aren't what they used to be... *sigh* guess it is time I start really taking care of myself, before I start to look my age. At least people still pretend I look like I am in my early 20's.

Reason #4: I am looking forward to things like buying my own place and establishing a real identity, rather than the next party and what I'll be doing this weekend.

Reason #5: I am in bed by 10 if not earlier most nights. Yes I am headed there now.

The best part though, is that I can finally deal with all of the above, laugh at it, and know that I wouldn't go back to the younger version of myself, because I wouldn't know nearly what I do now.

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Heavy Hearted

My girlfriend gets married in two days, and I am happy as could be for her. I can't wait to watch her marry the man she loves. I am not a fan of weddings and as the day nears, I have a feeling watching this marriage will be harder than expected.

Seven years ago I got married and my life changed in ways I never expected. I learned a lot from my marriage, and I think I am still learning from the experience and about the experience everyday. Perhaps this is what has me in a funk. I am confused, confused about love and romance, complicated by the unrealistic fantasy of it all that we are sold by the media. Strip away the glitz and what is it really about? Something we all define for ourselves. What the hell is that?

Questioning the status quo is good, necessary. I am just confused and overwhelmed by the scale of it all. It seems everyone wants love, and honestly I fear it so much that perhaps I have convinced myself that I don't want it and don't need it. I have had several conversations lately about this very subject and it all adds to my confusion and search for answers. We put our everything into our first loves, and I don't think we will ever give that much of ourselves to another person again. Being the all or nothing girl I am, I just wonder if I will ever be able to give myself again at all.

A picture really is worth a thousand words. I can stare into this picture and see so much. The girl is beautiful, but hurting, broken-hearted. This photo makes me want to cry for her. However this day changed everything, good and bad, I just have to believe it is all leading up to something bigger.
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"In the pursuit of perfection, we set ourselves up for failure because of the very nature of the goal." - me

This is so true isn't it? The quest for perfection is debilitating in so many ways. There is that desire to do everything so well, so consistently, in every area of our lives. Of course we are all human, and therefore perfection is an unreasonable expectation, but it certainly doesn't keep so many of us from seeking it. No wonder that those of us who call ourselves perfectionists are never satisfied, we will never reach this unrealistic goal and therefore will always be failing in our own eyes. We will never, ever be good enough.

I have spent years trying to be good enough for other people and never feeling I am, when in many cases that was far from true, in reality I was never good enough for myself.

That is my goal, to be good enough for me, but can I unlearn the vicious cycle of perfectionism in order to let myself just be?
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